Sunday School..Week 3 and other stuff

Well today baby boy did ok at Sunday School. I stayed with him for the first half hour and he stayed on his own for about another 40 minutes. He just wasn't happy to be there at first. He had told me while we were getting ready that he didn't want to go. "I go to big church with you." I did not go to big church at all today. After he was settled in I just stayed outside his classroom door and watched. He was very attentive and interacted with other children. He followed directions. He was just delightful. When I watch Jamie from afar, I simply can't believe he is mine. Why did God bless me with such a gift. Certainly I don't deserve him, but that's what grace is, getting things from Jesus we don't deserve. I have worked with children for many years (before I had Jamie) and as a teacher they all just kind of blend together, not that they don't all have their own unique personalities, but they are all just someone elses kids sitting there in a big group. When I look at Jamie he is just so special, I know clearly, I feel that way because I am his mommy, but it was very possible for him to never have existed at all because of our fertility issues. Our "gift of infertility." Today I am struggling with that. Now even Timmy is 'baby aching" as I call it. He is ready and so am I. When we were at the zoo last week Jamie was running around on the grass and Timmy looked at me and said "Wouldn't be great if he had a little brother to run around with." He didn't just say this in a ho-hum kind of a way. There was real emotion in his voice. I want to give Timmy and Jamie another baby, but in order to that I have to take something away from our baby now. As I have mentioned before Jamie has to stop nursing and he is just not ready. You don't see mothers taking away their 2 year olds blankets, teddy bears and binkies. And why would they. These objects give their children peace and comfort. I love being close to Jamie and comforting with nummy. I had heard to wean an older child to put band-aids on the nummies and tell the kid the nummies need a rest. Well I did this last night and you would have thought we were amputating a limb without medication. It was horrible. This was not just an obnoxious cry like "I'm not getting what I want so I'm going to throw a fit!" it was more like "I can't believe you don't love me any more. What are you going to do next put me up for adoption?" Eventually I did nurse him for a little while and he did go to sleep without being on the nummy, he even let Daddy tell him his story because at that point Mommy couldn't stay awake any longer. I love Jamie so much. I don't want him to be sad, especially when his sadness is coming from something I can easily fix. I just want this to be over. I want to be pregnant and I want my little boy to know that I love him.

Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.

1 Peter 5:7